DEEP... PRESS... ON...

As I sit here (in the middle of Starbucks) trying to figuring out what to write in this blog (when I should be completing graphics projects), I shed a few tears thinking about Robin Williams' suicide. My mind is consumed with wonder and questions... Like, how long has he been dealing with his depression? Has he ever talked to anyone about his deepest feelings, fears, etc.? Did he listen for that voice of reason like I did when I attempted to end it all at 19?

Yes, I am man enough to admit that I've had my own bouts of depression and as a young teenager, I would often think about hanging myself from a tree in my mom and dad's back yard. The ONLY way I thought possible to get away from my father's abuse. As I grew up, I would talk to my pastor. He was my example of a strong man. I remember him telling me that everything I was going through was going to be my testimony. He even yelled at me when I mentioned my thoughts of suicide. "ROBERT, TO COMMIT SUICIDE MEANS THAT YOU GAVE UP ON GOD'S POWER!!! STOP THAT WEAK THINKING RIGHT NOW!!!" I didn't really understand, I was 14 enduring so much pain.

I failed at my suicide attempt but, I was still battling depression. It seemed like as the years went by, my life endured an abundance of pain, fears, failure, unemployment, and morbid obesity... No longer thinking about suicide, my tribulations became my fuel for anger and hate. It took a near death experience to make me look at life in a whole different light. I decided to be a living testimony... helping other the best way I can... be a "hero."

I didn't have another thought of suicide until I endured issues in my marriage. I searched for help but got nothing... not a married friend, pastor or male counselor. By the end my marriage, two young men I knew committed suicide. I had a chance to talk to one of them a couple of days before his death while doing security at a bar in East Cleveland. We were dealing with similar issues so, I suggested that we'd keep in contact so, we can overcome. Before he left that night, he looked at me and said, "Bob, I pleaded with my wife... I asked her what she wanted me to do to make things better... she told me to kill myself." I grabbed him and told him to get that shit out of his head. I Told him he had a brother in me... I tried to convince him that everything was going to be ok... I didn't hear from him for two days. He wouldn't answer my calls/texts... nothing. He was found dead in his apartment...

I cried like a baby. Sat in my car and screamed until I got hoarse. Within 2 years, I lost 3 male friends due to suicide along with some male athletes and actors. I remember mentioning the deaths on my Facebook page and my ex heartlessly commented, "I pray for you and their souls." I started to hate again and even though I promised to never attempt suicide again, the thoughts would cross my mind. I would even sit in my garage while holding my 9mm... Just staring at it... I realized then that I needed help. My counselor is the greatest... Raw and Real... and i thank the Lord for her on a daily basis. She was able to do what male pastors, marriage counselors, and married male friends couldn't. help me break through... I love you big sis TLR!!!

I commend Regina Gstyl Crawford and Latoyia Jones (Alive on Purpose) for their push for Suicide Awareness...


Being transparent... Criticize if you must... But know this, I AM HERE... a LIVING testimony... the only help that some will ever know.

I pray for Healing...

Press On...

Konker...

SAUL WILLIAMS PERFORMS AT THE GROG SHOP

In the late fall of 1998, I went see a movie called Slam starring Saul Williams. I was more intrigued by his unique poetic style than the movie itself. Who would've thought that 15 years later, I would get to see him perform at the Grog Shop?

Last night's show brought out people of various ages and races... and some who I haven't seen in a while... people who could honestly say that they were inspired by Saul's work in some form or fashion. He humbly greeted people as he made his way to the stage and grabbed everyone's attention as he read from his book.
When he finished performing, he stepped off stage and mingled with the remaining patrons... I didn't want to talk his ear off, I just took his picture and shook his hand...

As I walked out of the Grog, I wondered if some of my fellow local poets, who often stand on pedestals, found some sort of humility in Saul's performance. I wondered if it inspired them to re-embrace the craft that once changed their lives. I wonder if those younger poets who've gotten the chance to open up for Saul get a moment to speak to him and gain wisdom from his words or presence.

"Love is an Art..." ~ Saul Williams